SPUD HAS HAD HIS CHIPS
Peter Dutton has lost the seat he’s held for 24-years
What a great result.
The Labor party have romped the election and fucking trounced the LNP. The leader of the opposition, Darth Potato, Nosfera.. Peter Dutton lost the seat he’s held for 24-years to a woman. That must hurt.
On Sky News, Andrew Bolt and Peta Credlin looked crushed, and their misery was the spicy sauce on the democracy sausage. CrednBolt had faces like they’d been licking piss off nettles. “It’s the voters’ fault (the LNP lost)” complained Bolt. No way Andrew, that’s literally how elections work.
The Skyborgs were devo because they love Dutton passionately, or more accurately, they love his racism. Bolt was convicted of racial vilification in 2011, and Credlin once blamed a COVID-19 outbreak in Melbourne on South Sudanese immigrants. Credlin and Bolt - two cheeks of the Sky’s racist arse.
You cannot overstate the gravity of Dutton losing his seat. It’s fucking historic. It's the first time in over a century that an opposition leader has lost their own seat at a federal election. And it really says something seismic: Australians have had enough of the Trumpist nonsense that our right-wing politicians ape.
So wrong was the LNP on this subject that before the election, Senator Michaelia Cash boasted, "The American people, they expect action. And that is what they’re getting. And they’ll get the exact same attitude under a Peter Dutton government." I guess we should thank Trump for running such a fucking bin fire of a government. His attempts at fascism are working, but they’d be working better if he wasn’t such a loser when it comes to running anything. Australians can see the complete Jackboot stomping shit-show the Trump government is, and they want none of it.
Human screech, Michaelia Cash
Peta Credlin wept for her fallen hero. She said Dutton had been “demonised” by the media. Dutton — who kept kids in offshore detention camps. The same Dutton who complained about Lebanese migration, who bolted from Parliament to avoid hearing the apology to the Stolen Generations and took 16-years to make what many believed to be an insincere apology. Who voted against an Aboriginal advisory body with no legislative power, which could advise government only on matters that affected Aboriginal people. Who said he would never stand in front of an Aboriginal flag. Who lied that African gangs had made Melbourne a no-go zone. Who tried to send Border Force into the streets to check visas like we were living in some tinpot dictatorship. He built his career on cruelty, wrecking lives offshore to score points at home. Christ on a bike, his own wife had to go on record to insist he’s not a monster by saying, “He’s not a monster.”
But now he’s gone, so good riddance to bad rubbish.
The modern right-wing of Australian politics is an even shitter version of the US GOP. Anti-woke hysteria, border paranoia, “tough on crime” nonsense, billionaire worship. Their science-denying bullshit is legendary.
They cut funding to the CSIRO—Australia’s top science agency—right as we needed climate research the most. They muzzled climate scientists, ignored pandemic modelling, and backed fossil fuels. There’s a saying that “It’s hard to tell where the Australian Coalition ends, and the coal industry begins.” That, as everyone knows, is because the mining companies are balls-deep in the LNP’s coal chute.
But Australia isn’t America. Not yet anyway. And this election showed there’s still a line. A point where voters say, nah mate, wind your neck in, mate. The fact that Labor won a second term and managed to turf the opposition leader in the process is more than a win. It’s a rejection. A public, resounding, unapologetic rejection.
So where does the Liberal party go from here – who will be the next Australian Maggie Thatcher?
The Bookies today, are giving odds on Angus Taylor - $3.10, Sussan Ley - $6.50, Dan Tehan - $5.50, and Andrew Hastie, the favourite, at $2.63.
So, let’s have a look at the possible campaign bios for this chamber of horrors.
Angus Taylor
Taylor’s greatest hits include forging a document to attack the mayor of Sydney, lying about where it came from, and backing every fossil fuel project like he’s on commission—which he most likely is. He’s the bloke you’d pick if you wanted a leader who thinks “climate action” means blocking the sun with methane. All the qualities an Australian Tory needs.
Sussan Ley
Ley once used a taxpayer-funded trip to the Gold Coast to buy an investment property, then brushed it off like it was just a cheeky side errand. She resigned to the usual few months, before being back in the fold. Her ministerial career has been defined by bland loyalty and deep mediocrity, occasionally spiced with entitlement. Think clipboard with a credit card. Too many s’ in her name.
Dan Tehan
Tehan is the human screensaver of Australian politics—always there, never interesting. As Education Minister, Tehan repeatedly voted against increasing education funding and introduced savage funding cuts to universities. He also had to be told that Africa wasn’t one country.
Andrew Hastie
Hastie is a walking press release for Cold War nostalgia, forever draped in military gravitas but offering nothing beyond flag-waving and fearmongering. Andrew broke down in tears when talking about the 7th of October Hamas attacks but is fully behind the genocide of Palestinian civilians in Gaza, going so far as to denounce the UN ceasefire motion, decrying visa given to Palestinians to get them the fuck out of the killing-zone, and calling for peaceful pro-Palestinian protesters to be fucking flogged with the full force of the law!
Choosing between this lot is like picking your favourite STI. Some might be uglier than others, but they all itch.
This election wasn’t just a rejection of cruelty, corruption, and coal-thirsty cowardice. It was a reminder that we still have power. That decency isn’t dead. That people do care, and they do fight back. A woman beat Dutton. Independents won seats by telling the truth. Young people voted in record numbers. The far-right blustered, and the public said: NO WAY!